Malaysia's Journal of honest Hidden Thoughts
by Shiki Ren-kun
Summary: Malaysia's hidden thoughts are finally revealed in this journal which she started to keep since her Independence.Anything from nations to trivial matters are recorded here.MalaysiaxEngland is possible as the story goes on. Malaysia x Singapore too
1. World meeting

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers nor do I own any of its characters (only Malaysia-chan is mine). I am simply having the uncontrollable urge to write this out for Hetalia fans out there who wants more of Malaysia-chan (my country that Himaruya-sensei hasn't been able to officialy reveal yet ).

**Malaysia's Journal of (honest) Hidden Thoughts.**

Dear journal,

Since I achieved Independence years ago with the help of my boss, my land is slowly but surely are starting to show some promising changes compared to what it was back when I was still the colony of a certain tea-loving nation (who I really hate, by the way). Well, it's pretty much still in the early stages though, at least my people are free from fear of being invaded. Again.

Anyway, I think I really shocked the other nations so much today at the World meeting that (almost) all of them are actually speechless when they lay their eyes on me. Only Indonesia and Philippines seemed unperturbed, but I don't really understand why others are silenced just because of my appearance. Is it something about what I wear today?

To say what happened next, I'll just list it down:

a) England choked on his tea and dropped the cup on France

b) America did the Heimlich manoeuvre thing before Iggy could die

c) And the rest jumped off their seats

d) Finally they all screamed at me, I think it was "WHAT THE HELL?" and "MALAYSIA? YOU'RE A _GIRL_?"

Hmm, apparently ALL of them thought I was a boy. That was really awkward, and scary. England kept shooting me evil glares that I could practically feel it boring into my back. Okay, I'll admit I was _**not**_ a gentle or girly girl back then. Even my big brother, Singapore claimed I was a little less terrifying than a monster. Perhaps I did appear as an overly rebellious kid who wants freedom for herself. I did have a terrible temper whenever I have to meet England again and again every day. Hey, even Belang, or Bel for short, growls menacingly when England comes to my house.

So I got through the meeting alive and kicking after all, I just _had _ to leave immediately because it seems like the G8 wants to corner and interrogate me about my gender issues (honestly, _why_ even bother?). Luckily my boss gave me the perfect reason to rush home; I still have tons of paperwork left to settle.

I think that is all I can write for today. Maybe I'll think about what happened today again tonight, I'm getting sleepy as the time goes anyway.

**It's my first time writing for fanfiction but I'll accept any constructive criticisms if you have one to offer. If anyone didn't get what I just wrote about, I'll do some quick explanation:**

**i. Before her grandfather, Malacca Empire dies, he made her promise to keep her true gender from being known to anyone, and even her own people were fooled. But she didn't cut her hair, just hid it under a wig.**

**ii. Since tiger is the most famous mascot for my country, I thought of making Malaysia own a faithful pet and companion that she named Belang, or Bel for short.**

**iii. Malaysia and England had a close yet troubled kind of relationship, I guess it's like a father-son (or father-daughter, whichever you prefer) relationship. Still, Malaysia hates his guts (and also his lack of culinary skills).**


	2. Borneo twins and my elder sisters

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers nor do I own any of its characters (only Malaysia-chan and the Borneo twins are mine). I am simply having the uncontrollable urge to write this out for Hetalia fans out there who wants more of Malaysia-chan (my country that Himaruya-sensei hasn't been able to officially reveal yet ).

Dear journal,

About a week have passed since the near-disastrous World meeting, so far nothing has been initiated by the Allies or the Axis. So it's only natural for me to keep thinking that they'll be barging into my house sooner or later to demand the complete explanation of my real gender. Well, I guess I must be getting paranoid.

Other than that, my days are pretty much the same and a little bit repetitive. Just stacks after stacks of paperwork to be done and taking care of my twin brothers, Sabah and Sarawak.

Although Sabah and Sarawak are now officially known to the world as East Malaysia twins, they are actually the two youngest siblings of the Borneo Isle quadruplets. As far as I know, Brunei is the oldest despite being a diminutive nation (and the shortest of them all). My elder sister Indonesia gets the rights to care Kalimantan, the second oldest of the Borneo brothers (and also the tallest). I bet she's glad having a younger brother to boss around. Not that I'm complaining, but sometimes my sisters are really pissing me off. Even before I'm officially Malaysia together with my brothers, both Indonesia _and_ Philippines are berating non-stop about me being greedy and all.

They think I was a selfish brat that intended to overpower them in the future. Honestly, I don't get it at all. All I want is to help the twins to be free from fear and oppression. Because of their obvious youth, other ruthless nations took advantage of it and bullied them just to gain access to their vast resources. Its lucky Indonesia is _way _more mature than Philippines, so the dispute between us is quickly settled with the help of our respective boss. Nowadays I'd like to think of it as siblings' issues.

On the other hand, Philippines are not letting this so-called issue go without a fight. Even now we keep bickering like an old married couple whenever my brothers are mentioned. There's bound to be trouble anyway if Philippines is involved, I'm hardly surprised by that. That's why I strictly forbid the twins to attend any of the ASEAN 10 meetings anymore.

On my part, I'm just glad Sabah and Sarawak are fine with the massive changes with their lives. I've yet to hear any complaints about it if they are in any way unhappy about this. Perhaps they are elated after all, and I really do care about them. I love both of them as if they are my very own little brothers.

I noticed that Sarawak is the cool prince-type of person. He's really shy when someone starts to dote on him; he usually prefers to be alone and does things his own way. Perhaps Iggy did have some influence over his personality, though there's no way I can be completely sure of that. Sabah is the only one who can truly connect with him to some degree; even I had a hard time trying to understand Sarawak sometimes. He's just really independent, I think.

Sabah is the total opposite of Sarawak. Really, the complete opposite of everything Sarawak is. First of all, Sabah is a wild child. Natures, animals and any activities that involves outdoors is totally his thing. In his free time, he's either galloping through the forest with his trusty steed or swimming through the mysterious depths of the ocean. He even befriends various types of animals and speaks their language. Funny, I don't recall teaching him any of that.

It's about time for me to go to sleep now; I'm penning off yet another of my entries for today. I'll have to write a letter of thanks to Prussia-kun tomorrow anyway for teaching me how to write a journal.

**So I decided to write something about the Borneo Isle today. To any readers from Indonesia, Philippines and Brunei, I'm sorry if any of you are offended. But it is based on real facts, try googling it.**


	3. Singapore and I

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers nor do I own any of its characters (only Malaysia-chan and the Borneo twins are mine). I am simply having the uncontrollable urge to write this out for Hetalia fans out there who wants more of Malaysia-chan (my country that Himaruya-sensei hasn't been able to officially reveal yet ).

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><p>Dear journal,<p>

Imagine my shock and utter horror when I received an invitation for a tea party at Singapore's house. Since our inevitable separation a few years back, things have not always been smooth for us after that. Although our marriage was terminated by my boss himself against Singapore's will, I was honestly relieved to be free from the stress that my people unceasingly caused. He had to resign to this fate unwillingly, though.

Should I accept his invitation? I fear this will further jeopardise our rocky relationship if I choose not to. Surely he had good intentions (and reason) to invite me….Or **does** he have a hidden agenda?

During the short time we were married, I was never the lovely wife most men nowadays come to expect. As previously mentioned before, I was sharp-tonged and brash in actions in any given situation. Despite all that, he was very sweet and kind to me, always accepting whatever faults I had back then. Maybe the reason I was so terrible to him is the fact that I was really intimidated by our age difference. Grandfather once told me, before his demise, that Temasek (Singapore's former name) was born before him. He knew me since I was born, had watched me grow and struggle against the European colonizers, and cared for me the whole time. Still, he insisted I call him my older _brother_, claiming he is eligible to be one for me.

Have I ever loved him? I've never known the answer even though I've searched my heart again and again. Iggy certainly favours him; I do envy him for having more privilege than myself. But who could not love him? He's bestowed with dashing good looks, blessed with an amazing physique, gifted with a calculative mind not many can match. He was the perfect guy, desired by others. Heck, he's even taller than me too!

The one question I couldn't bring myself to ask him is surely going to escape from my lips one day. I've always wondered if he ever did love me, not as a sister, but as I truly am?

The arguments we had in the past always make my adrenaline going, but the moments of bliss we shared will be forever imbedded in my mind. I'll admit I was crushed by my boss' decision; the only reason for me to hold on to life is that I'm still blessed with two most adorable little brothers.

Perhaps we will be able to reconcile once more tomorrow, now that I've made up my mind. Yes, I'll gladly accept his invitation. Who knows? I might be able to have a long lasting friendship with him if I wanted to. But deep down, I craved for his love and attention, though I'll never tell him that. Ever.

What should I wear then? Should it be something frilly and feminine, or sporty and sassy? I tend to dress according to my mood, perhaps a simple blouse and my long skirt then. Singapore has an excellent taste in fashion though, but I was completely at loss if I had to dress up for an occasion. Picking the right outfit is glaringly outside my range of abilities. I'll have to make a note to call my sisters early in the morning then. They aren't known as the Fashionable Duo for nothing, to the best of my limited knowledge.

The thought of meeting him tomorrow somehow gave me the reassurance that our future would be bright. I could barely hold myself till then. Well, goodnight, I'm off to bed.

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><p><strong>First and foremost, I would like to express my gracious thanks to solitarycloud-chan(kun?) for giving me an excellent inspiration for my latest chapter. I hope that you'll love this, expect more of Malaysia x Singapore in the next chapter! (Those who love Malaysia x England, it'll happen soon enough~)<strong>

**Any Singaporeans out there, hope you'll enjoy my writing (any complaints will be heard).**


	4. Unlikely party of three

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers nor do I own any of its characters (only Malaysia-chan and the Borneo twins are mine). I am simply having the uncontrollable urge to write this out for Hetalia fans out there who wants more of Malaysia-chan (my country that Himaruya-sensei hasn't been able to officially reveal yet ).

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><p>Dear journal,<p>

After a huge fight and several heated arguments over the phone, all three of us (Indonesia, Philippines, and I) finally decided that I should wear something sweet and simple. Unfortunately, after browsing through my vast wardrobe, the only feminine clothes I have were my short frilly silky dress with white ribbons…..Also, after much elbow grease; I succeeded in finding my old pair of long beige khakis trousers. Well, hardly surprising because I used to act tomboyish before my independence. I guess there was something to be said about limited options. The rest of my clothes are business suits and casual stuff that boys wear daily. Yeah, I should be so lucky.

By then, I only got like four hours left before the tea party. Not caring even if my bad fashion sense is now exposed to others, I just wore those clothes. Thankfully, my little brothers are gracious enough to compliment me. I thought of getting a hairdo, but one quick glance at the mirror told me my hair is entirely impossible. It's way too long for any fancy hairdo, and I really don't have enough time for that. The only solution I can come up with is to do a loose plait, somewhat similar to Monaco's.

I would have arrived fashionably late (again) if my driver hadn't driven the car like a crazed maniac. I would overlook this traffic offence, since I've got an excuse to break the rules for today anyway (still, I know it's wrong and all….).

When I reached Singapore's house, my stomach was already full with fluttery butterflies. Ugh, I feel like some love-struck teenager when I'm writing this down. It took only one knock for him to know my arrival, because I'd barely knocked his massive oak door for the second time when he himself opened it. It would be nice to say that I was fine the moment our eyes met and I moved smoothly to greet him. It would have been good to say that I smiled and spoke of pleasant things with the gentle cadences of the early century, like a princess from some fairy tale. But life is seldom so carefully scripted. In truth, I simply gawked at him.

Luckily Singapore is quite the gentleman, having learnt it from Double E (**E**normous **E**yebrows). The years since we parted ways had changed him. Before he had been good-looking, now he was handsome as well.

For a moment, he looked as if he would hold me in his arms, but at the last moment he refrained himself from doing so, darting a glance around as if somebody was lurking in his garden to spy on us.

He smiled at me then. It was warm and sweet and shy, like a flower unfurling its delicate petals. It was friendly and honest and slightly embarrassed. When he smiled at me, I felt…At loss for words. I honestly cannot think of the best way to describe it. Lying would be so much easier. Perhaps it is sufficient to say that I was caught by a smile. And though that was a lie, it is very near the truth.

Words have never been a challenge for me. Quite the other way around, I often find myself speaking my mind without thinking it through, and I'll admit things go badly because of it. However, here in front of Singapore, I was too stunned to speak. I could not have said a sensible word to save my life.

Singapore simply reached out smoothly and clasped my hand with his. Then he took a half step backwards and executed the perfect three-quarter bow. It was flattering, courtly without being ridiculously formal, even earning him one of my easy blushes. Surprisingly, he even kissed my hand (?) gently. I'd certainly have fainted if only I didn't hear the steady footfalls from inside the house that is coming our way.

Apparently my lucky stars are avoiding me today, because the person walking towards us is no other but the one and only Mr Enormous Eyebrows. First I was petrified, and then I feel like throwing up as well.

In this short space of awkwardness, I realized how different my feelings were to the man in front of me and gentleman behind him. Naturally I plastered a fake smile to my face and greeted England too, giving him one of my best sarcastic remarks about being completely fine with his presence. As expected of a former delinquent, he retorted back with an equally sarcastic reply (of course). Being a former pirate sure taught him a lot of ways to subdue a brat like myself.

Singapore, still holding my hand, leads me to his resplendent garden with the gorgeous view of the sea. By the fountain, a table was already prepared for our little tea party. There he explained to me that England had told him to make up an excuse to meet me here so England could get a complete explanation about my real gender. So my initial suspicions were confirmed, I knew there was something else rather than just a normal tea party. Still, there was no need to be angry. But that didn't mean I wasn't hurt at all.

Before my temper gets out of hand, I seated myself and averted my eyes away from either of them. England started to badger me with questions and Singapore muttered apologies quietly to me. I stayed silent the whole time. Angry for being ignored, England forced me to look at him straight in the eyes, his emerald green eyes. I grudgingly answered his questions one by one.

I told him everything then. I couldn't put this off much longer anyway. I told him it was my dying grandfather's final request to hide my true gender from other nations. Grandfather had foreseen that other nations would take advantage of me should my real gender are known to them. I agreed to honour that wish because even as young as I was back then, I already knew the perks of being a male. I could lead my people against other nations. I could learn martial arts without being discriminated by others. I could do anything I ever wanted and no one would object to it. In short, my life would be so much easier (even though I was bullied twice as bad by those colonial empires).

Both of them listened to my explanation without interrupting even once. Although satisfied having procured an explanation from me, England was regretful because he used to treat me roughly. Had he known I was a girl, he would have cared for me as if I was his own little sister. I pointed out that he never did care much about me, only monopolising my land for tin and rubber. I was miffed, he'd only paid special attention to Singapore and India, his two most valuable colonies back then.

Well, in the end, we did have the tea party after all. I barely ate anything, even though I am a glutton when good food is served before me. We had a small conversation about the current issues, and that's pretty much all I can recall of today's events. Before I went home, both of them complimented on how lovely I was in girl's clothes (Singapore did tell me to wear a skirt next time). No beetroot could have matched the colour of my face at this point this time! (Thousands of thanks to my sisters!)

I'm going to put my pen down now; my little brothers are calling for me to sing them a lullaby to sleep.

**P/s:** England was attitude to me is entirely different now, though. He started to act like France a bit. Maybe he's sick or something; I'll call him tomorrow just to be sure. Singapore did give me a hug after all; his face flushed deep crimson the whole time. I had to forgive him; I couldn't really stay mad at him for a long time.

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><p><strong>So…ummm…..Hope you'll like it. Ugh, just drop a comment. I think I failed to make this fanfic any better than before anyway…<strong>


	5. Cherry blossoms are the sign of spring

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hetalia Axis Powers nor do I own any of its characters (only Malaysia-chan and the Borneo twins are mine). I am simply having the uncontrollable urge to write this out for Hetalia fans out there who wants more of Malaysia-chan (my country that Himaruya-sensei hasn't been able to officially reveal yet ).

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><p>Dear journal,<p>

My day started off great this morning. It's completely unlike me to feel thoroughly refreshed after waking up even though I didn't chug down any of my black coffee. I'm pretty sure that is outside the norm because I usually need about three cups of strong black coffee just to jolt myself out of my perpetually lethargic state. Yeah, maybe it was my somewhat odd (yet thrilling) dream last night was the ultimate reason behind this.

All I remember about my dream was something about…uh, cherry blossoms, I guess? I think I was standing in front of a huge (more like ginormous, though) cherry blossom tree. Its thick branches were full of blooming cherry blossoms, and the delicate petals flutter softly around me, as though inviting me to join their celestial dance. I was entranced, of course. I thought I was alone until I heard some muffled steps coming my way. What are the odds, eh? I'd never would expect Japan to show up in my dream, despite the obvious fact that I'd normally associate these exquisite flowers with him.

I still remember how he used to treat me back then when he invaded my land. My people were terrorised and fooled into thinking that Japan would actually give us the freedom we all wanted. England was still holding back my independence during that time. But I know that behind the entire tough image Japan had shown in front of me, it never was his real intention to hurt any of nations of the Malay Archipelago. I knew now that it was his boss' (the emperor, Mikado Meiji) orders that compelled him to do so. So, despite being under house arrest (for freaking _years_) and falling into the state of comatose twice, Japan was really kind and gentle with me.

He was the first nation in centuries that found out I wasn't a boy. I won't tell all the details, but basically it had something to do about (accidentally) sharing a bath together. Believe me, Japan probably has the cutest (and possibly the longest) blushing face in the world. Funnily enough, none of my other colonizers (which were the Portuguese bastard, the Dutchman miser, and that British jerk of jerks) are actually able to discern the fact that I was really a girl.

Dammit, my first kiss was even claimed by Japan! (The nerve of him…). Enough of that, I'd better go on with my dream.

Japan was walking towards me in a slow, steady pace. His ever-present katakana was gripped tightly in his left fist, and in his right hand, shockingly, was a deep crimson kimono with swirly floral pattern neatly folded. He stood right in front of me. His face was merely inches from my own, for there wasn't much of a difference in our height nowadays. How time flies, I wondered, for I was a runt compared with the small man back then.

Then, out of the blue, he kissed me. The first time was awkward and stumbling (yeah, so I sneaked out once to go to Singapore's house, but somehow I nearly drowned if Japan didn't catch me in the end, and you-know-what happened…), but now his kiss was full of force and relish, holding me in his arms. Soon I felt we were falling onto the carpet of cherry blossoms petals, yet he didn't release his hold on me. I'll admit I was completely flustered by then, staring into the depths of his coffee-black eyes moments after he kissed me.

I hadn't realized that the scarlet kimono was already draped on my shoulder, its own weight sagging it backwards a bit. Japan told me that red complements my (non-existent) beauty, so he thought I should wear red a bit more often than now. I believe this is where blood rushed up to my face in large amounts, giving my head the overall resemblance of one of Spain's juiciest tomatoes. I bet that kimono really complements that tomato head of mine.

And that's how my dream came to an abrupt end, as often was the case. Well, what a dream to have before meeting him and the rest of my ASEAN family later today. I couldn't possibly tell anyone about this dream, and my sisters are way off the list. Knowing them, it'll probably be minutes before the whole world knows about it. Things will be awkward when I do meet Japan, and I fervently hope he won't notice it (but that's impossible).

Well, I have to get ready now. The big ASEAN 10+3 meeting isn't going to start itself if I'm still here writing. Wish me luck, though luck tends to avoid me again this time.

**P/s:** I'm wearing my recently bought red blouse and white skirt to the meeting after a lengthy consideration. Maybe things won't be so awkward then. Singapore was surprised, but he kept quiet about it. I can tell he was hyped with the change of my fashion preference.

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><p><strong>Argh! Finally I managed to make an update! I'm sorry for taking so long this time, I'll just say that homework is the cruellest thing man had invented. Enough said, I hope that no one is angry at me for making Japan a bit OOC here. I kinda thought that Malaysia had this kind of relationship with him after her independence, an on-off love thing. Somewhat like old lovers.(I don't want him to be cruel and heartless nation!)<strong>

**Also, I was inspired by an AsaKiku video in youtube. So I suggest anyone who reads this should watch it, I'll give the link here:**

**.com/watch?v=bx4nKM1tKA0&feature=related**


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